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Quote	Author	Rating	Rate
"Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down."	Steve Martin
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times."	Mark Twain
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"	Abraham Lincoln
"Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable."	Fran Lebowitz
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."	Henny Youngman
"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."	Mike Tyson
"My son first wanted to go to Stanford, which I thought was O.K. The weather is pretty good, and it's a fairly short drive to the beach. But it wouldn't be as good as let's say, Pepperdine, which is in Malibu. And he said, 'Dad, what about the education?' I said, 'Clearly, I failed as a parent.'"	Larry Ellison
"Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!"	Steve Martin
"A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe."	Pierre Berton
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."	Rodney Dangerfield
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted."	Fred Allen
"I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true."	Dorothy Parker
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."	Woody Allen
"Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town."	Steve Martin
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."	Rodney Dangerfield
"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not."	Fran Lebowitz
"How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?"	Charles de Gaulle
"Nothing you can't spell will ever work."	Will Rogers
"I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens."	Dwight Eisenhower
"All the people throughout my life who were naysayers pissed me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on that."	Tobey Maguire

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Browse Comedy quotes by Author:

Abraham Lincoln	Author Unknown	Benjamin Franklin
Bill Maher	Bobcat Goldthwait	Charles de Gaulle
Charles Schulz	Dorothy Parker	Douglas Adams
Dwight Eisenhower	Ellen DeGeneres	Fran Lebowitz
Fred Allen	George Burns	Groucho Marx
Henny Youngman	Jon Stewart	Larry Ellison
Leo Gallagher	Mark Twain	Mel Brooks
Mike Tyson	Orson Welles	Pierre Berton
Rodney Dangerfield	Samuel Goldwyn	Stephen King
Steve Martin	Tobey Maguire	Tom Lehrer
Will Rogers	William Jennings Bryan	Woody Allen

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