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"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read."
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws."
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by."
"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
"I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table."
"I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis."
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands."
Browse Comedy quotes by Author:
Charles de Gaulle
William Jennings Bryan
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