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"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted." -
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Top 5 quotes from Fred Allen
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there."
"A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done."
Top 5 quotes from Comedy
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right."
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