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"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
"Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable."
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
"My son first wanted to go to Stanford, which I thought was O.K. The weather is pretty good, and it's a fairly short drive to the beach. But it wouldn't be as good as let's say, Pepperdine, which is in Malibu. And he said, 'Dad, what about the education?' I said, 'Clearly, I failed as a parent.'"
"I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work."
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times."
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
"The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right."
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."
"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
"A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe."
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."
Browse Comedy quotes by Author:
Charles de Gaulle
William Jennings Bryan
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