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"Nothing you can't spell will ever work."
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
"When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
"The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles."
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted."
"A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe."
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy."
"I've occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist, for dealing drugs, for corrupting minors, or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately, none of these rumors are true. The one I've heard more often is that I am dead. That one I encouraged, hoping it would cut down on the junk mail. It didn't."
"Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable."
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
"The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right."
"Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance."
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."
"How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?"
Charles de Gaulle
"I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true."
"My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am."
"Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town."
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."
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Charles de Gaulle
William Jennings Bryan