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Quote	Author	Rating	Rate
"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."	Steve Martin
"Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!"	Steve Martin
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."	Steve Martin
"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"	Will Rogers
"Of course the meek will inherit the earth, what, did you think they'd take it by force?"	Author Unknown
"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."	Mike Tyson
"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk."	Stephen King
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."	Benjamin Franklin
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."	Fran Lebowitz
"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not."	Fran Lebowitz
"I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota."	Fran Lebowitz
"When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading."	Author Unknown
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."	Mark Twain
"Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed."	William Jennings Bryan
"I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work."	Leo Gallagher
"I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens."	Dwight Eisenhower
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times."	Mark Twain
"All the people throughout my life who were naysayers pissed me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on that."	Tobey Maguire
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."	Woody Allen
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"	Abraham Lincoln

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Browse Comedy quotes by Author:

Abraham Lincoln	Author Unknown	Benjamin Franklin
Bill Maher	Bobcat Goldthwait	Charles de Gaulle
Charles Schulz	Dorothy Parker	Douglas Adams
Dwight Eisenhower	Ellen DeGeneres	Fran Lebowitz
Fred Allen	George Burns	Groucho Marx
Henny Youngman	Jon Stewart	Larry Ellison
Leo Gallagher	Mark Twain	Mel Brooks
Mike Tyson	Orson Welles	Pierre Berton
Rodney Dangerfield	Samuel Goldwyn	Stephen King
Steve Martin	Tobey Maguire	Tom Lehrer
Will Rogers	William Jennings Bryan	Woody Allen

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