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"The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles." -
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Top 5 quotes from Bill Maher
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'"
"The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough."
"We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities."
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
Top 5 quotes from Comedy
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right."