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"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."
"I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another."
"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by."
"I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy."
"I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work."
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands."
"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
"I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table."
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not."
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Charles de Gaulle
William Jennings Bryan
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