»	Quote DBAuthorsCategoriesSpeechesSearchMy Quote List

Add Quotes to Your Site - Quote Generator add quote of the day, random quotes or by topic (e.g. funny quotes)

Quote DB :: Comedy Search in this category Clever Jabs (59) Dave Barry (99) George Carlin (9) Jack Handey (32) Steven Wright (20) The Simpsons (23) Yogi Berra (21) Sponsored Links Quote Author Rating Rate "When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back." Woody Allen "Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down." Steve Martin "To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." Mark Twain "I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating." Mike Tyson "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" Abraham Lincoln "Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable." Fran Lebowitz "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." Henny Youngman "Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!" Steve Martin "A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe." Pierre Berton "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted." Fred Allen "I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true." Dorothy Parker "How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?" Charles de Gaulle "It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." Woody Allen "Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town." Steve Martin "I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know." Rodney Dangerfield "I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not." Fran Lebowitz "Nothing you can't spell will ever work." Will Rogers "I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens." Dwight Eisenhower "All the people throughout my life who were naysayers pissed me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on that." Tobey Maguire << Previous 1 2 3 4 Next >> Browse Comedy quotes by Author: Abraham Lincoln Author Unknown Benjamin Franklin Bill Maher Bobcat Goldthwait Charles de Gaulle Charles Schulz Dorothy Parker Douglas Adams Dwight Eisenhower Ellen DeGeneres Fran Lebowitz Fred Allen George Burns Groucho Marx Henny Youngman Jon Stewart Larry Ellison Leo Gallagher Mark Twain Mel Brooks Mike Tyson Orson Welles Pierre Berton Rodney Dangerfield Samuel Goldwyn Stephen King Steve Martin Tobey Maguire Tom Lehrer Will Rogers William Jennings Bryan Woody Allen

» Copyright © QuoteDB 2005

Quotes to your site Links Privacy