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Quote DB :: Comedy Search in this category Clever Jabs (59) Dave Barry (99) George Carlin (9) Jack Handey (32) Steven Wright (20) The Simpsons (23) Yogi Berra (21) Sponsored Links Quote Author Rating Rate "I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." Woody Allen "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." Steve Martin "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schulz "The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right." Mark Twain "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws." Douglas Adams "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read." Groucho Marx "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." Mel Brooks "I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by." Douglas Adams "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." Orson Welles "I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table." Rodney Dangerfield "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." Groucho Marx "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." George Burns "People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk." Stephen King "I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis." Douglas Adams "The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles." Bill Maher "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying." Woody Allen "It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes." Douglas Adams "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." Mark Twain 1 2 3 4 Next >> Browse Comedy quotes by Author: Abraham Lincoln Author Unknown Benjamin Franklin Bill Maher Bobcat Goldthwait Charles de Gaulle Charles Schulz Dorothy Parker Douglas Adams Dwight Eisenhower Ellen DeGeneres Fran Lebowitz Fred Allen George Burns Groucho Marx Henny Youngman Jon Stewart Larry Ellison Leo Gallagher Mark Twain Mel Brooks Mike Tyson Orson Welles Pierre Berton Rodney Dangerfield Samuel Goldwyn Stephen King Steve Martin Tobey Maguire Tom Lehrer Will Rogers William Jennings Bryan Woody Allen

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