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Quote DB :: Comedy Search in this category Clever Jabs (59) Dave Barry (99) George Carlin (9) Jack Handey (32) Steven Wright (20) The Simpsons (23) Yogi Berra (21) Sponsored Links Quote Author Rating Rate "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" Abraham Lincoln "When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading." Author Unknown "Of course the meek will inherit the earth, what, did you think they'd take it by force?" Author Unknown "My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am." Author Unknown "Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance." Author Unknown "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin "The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles." Bill Maher "Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me." Bobcat Goldthwait "How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?" Charles de Gaulle "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schulz "I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true." Dorothy Parker "I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by." Douglas Adams "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws." Douglas Adams "I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis." Douglas Adams "If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands." Douglas Adams "It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes." Douglas Adams "I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens." Dwight Eisenhower "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeneres "I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota." Fran Lebowitz "I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not." Fran Lebowitz 1 2 3 4 Next >> Browse Comedy quotes by Author: Abraham Lincoln Author Unknown Benjamin Franklin Bill Maher Bobcat Goldthwait Charles de Gaulle Charles Schulz Dorothy Parker Douglas Adams Dwight Eisenhower Ellen DeGeneres Fran Lebowitz Fred Allen George Burns Groucho Marx Henny Youngman Jon Stewart Larry Ellison Leo Gallagher Mark Twain Mel Brooks Mike Tyson Orson Welles Pierre Berton Rodney Dangerfield Samuel Goldwyn Stephen King Steve Martin Tobey Maguire Tom Lehrer Will Rogers William Jennings Bryan Woody Allen

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