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Quote DB :: Comedy Search in this category Clever Jabs (59) Dave Barry (99) George Carlin (9) Jack Handey (32) Steven Wright (20) The Simpsons (23) Yogi Berra (21) Sponsored Links Quote Author Rating Rate "In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra." Fran Lebowitz "If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands." Douglas Adams "Of course the meek will inherit the earth, what, did you think they'd take it by force?" Author Unknown "My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." Henny Youngman "First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me." Steve Martin "I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work." Leo Gallagher "I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit." Mel Brooks "I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another." Rodney Dangerfield "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeneres "Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats." Woody Allen "When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading." Author Unknown "If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" Will Rogers "My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am." Author Unknown "Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me." Bobcat Goldthwait "Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed." William Jennings Bryan "Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance." Author Unknown "If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive." Samuel Goldwyn "My son first wanted to go to Stanford, which I thought was O.K. The weather is pretty good, and it's a fairly short drive to the beach. But it wouldn't be as good as let's say, Pepperdine, which is in Malibu. And he said, 'Dad, what about the education?' I said, 'Clearly, I failed as a parent.'" Larry Ellison "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" Jon Stewart "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy." Woody Allen << Previous 1 2 3 4 Next >> Browse Comedy quotes by Author: Abraham Lincoln Author Unknown Benjamin Franklin Bill Maher Bobcat Goldthwait Charles de Gaulle Charles Schulz Dorothy Parker Douglas Adams Dwight Eisenhower Ellen DeGeneres Fran Lebowitz Fred Allen George Burns Groucho Marx Henny Youngman Jon Stewart Larry Ellison Leo Gallagher Mark Twain Mel Brooks Mike Tyson Orson Welles Pierre Berton Rodney Dangerfield Samuel Goldwyn Stephen King Steve Martin Tobey Maguire Tom Lehrer Will Rogers William Jennings Bryan Woody Allen

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