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Quote DB :: Comedy Search in this category Clever Jabs (59) Dave Barry (99) George Carlin (9) Jack Handey (32) Steven Wright (20) The Simpsons (23) Yogi Berra (21) Sponsored Links Quote Author Rating Rate "I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table." Rodney Dangerfield "I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another." Rodney Dangerfield "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield "If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive." Samuel Goldwyn "People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk." Stephen King "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin "Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!" Steve Martin "First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me." Steve Martin "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." Steve Martin "Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town." Steve Martin "Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down." Steve Martin "What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth, depending on where you're standing." Steve Martin "All the people throughout my life who were naysayers pissed me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on that." Tobey Maguire "I've occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist, for dealing drugs, for corrupting minors, or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately, none of these rumors are true. The one I've heard more often is that I am dead. That one I encouraged, hoping it would cut down on the junk mail. It didn't." Tom Lehrer "If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" Will Rogers "Nothing you can't spell will ever work." Will Rogers "Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed." William Jennings Bryan "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying." Woody Allen "It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." Woody Allen "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy." Woody Allen << Previous 1 2 3 4 Next >> Browse Comedy quotes by Author: Abraham Lincoln Author Unknown Benjamin Franklin Bill Maher Bobcat Goldthwait Charles de Gaulle Charles Schulz Dorothy Parker Douglas Adams Dwight Eisenhower Ellen DeGeneres Fran Lebowitz Fred Allen George Burns Groucho Marx Henny Youngman Jon Stewart Larry Ellison Leo Gallagher Mark Twain Mel Brooks Mike Tyson Orson Welles Pierre Berton Rodney Dangerfield Samuel Goldwyn Stephen King Steve Martin Tobey Maguire Tom Lehrer Will Rogers William Jennings Bryan Woody Allen

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