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Quote Author Rating Rate
"What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth, depending on where you're standing." Steve Martin 3.3333333333333335 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive." Samuel Goldwyn 4.357142857142857 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read." Groucho Marx 4.805194805194805 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes." Douglas Adams 4.555555555555555 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me." Bobcat Goldthwait 4.368421052631579 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" Jon Stewart 4.208333333333333 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands." Douglas Adams 4.575757575757576 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down." Steve Martin 4.2 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schulz 4.780487804878049 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." Woody Allen 4.9 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." Henny Youngman 4.555555555555555 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." Henny Youngman 4 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis." Douglas Adams 4.7272727272727275 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws." Douglas Adams 4.782608695652174 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." George Burns 4.684210526315789 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." Groucho Marx 4.7727272727272725 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield 3.857142857142857 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another." Rodney Dangerfield 4.5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table." Rodney Dangerfield 4.75 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeneres 4.478260869565218 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote


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