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"To defend Western Europe we have to let the Pentagon buy all these tanks and guns and things, and the Pentagon is unable to buy any object that that costs less than a condominium in Vail. If the Pentagon needs, say, fruit, it will argue that it must have fruit that can withstand the rigors of combat conditions, and it will wind up purchasing the FX-700 Seedless Tactical Grape, which will cost $160,000 per bunch, and will have an 83 percent failure rate."
"Drug testing is very big in football. This is because football players are Role Models for young people. All you young people out there want to grow up and have enormous necks and get knee operations as often as haircuts. That's why the people in charge of football don't want you to associate it with drugs. They want you to associate it with alcohol."
"If God had wanted us to spend our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have invented beer."
"There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings."
"'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' - that is the insect motto."
"I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for, with a newspaper column, is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit."
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!""
"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter."
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail."
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."
"The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice."
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."
"The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat."
"The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other..."
"The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number."
"The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM."
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery."
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