Add Quotes to Your Site - Quote Generator Add Quotes to Your Site - Quote Generator
add quote of the day, random quotes or by topic (e.g. funny quotes)

Quote DB :: Authors :: Dave Barry

View all quotes by Dave Barry
View all quotes in Dave Barry

Quote Rating Rate
"You should do your own car repairs. It's an easy way to save money and possibly maim yourself for life." 5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Over the next hundred years or so football saw a great many major innovations and refinements that are too boring to even think about. Along the way professional football came into being so that the largest and most violent college players would have a way to earn money other than simply demanding it from innocent civilians." 5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." 5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins." 5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above- average drivers." 5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death." 5 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them." 4.933333333333334 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate." 4.928571428571429 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad." 4.909090909090909 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Males have a lot of trouble not looking at breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes. "We forgot," they said. "We'll have to do it over."" 4.9 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I probably should never have been there anyway, and it served me right when the two alert police officers fired up their siren, pulled me over, and pointed out that my car's registration had expired. I had not realized this, and as you can imagine I felt like quite the renegade outlaw as one of the officers painstakingly wrote out my ticket, standing well to the side of the road so as to avoid getting hit by the steady stream of passing unlicensed and uninsured motorists driving their stolen cars with their left hands so that their right hands would be free to keep their pit bulls from spilling their cocaine all over their machine guns. Not that I am bitter." 4.866666666666666 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I don't know what the new Ford will be called. Probably something like the 'Ford Untamed Wilderness Adventure.' In the TV commercials, it will be shown splashing through rivers, charging up rocky mountainsides, swinging on vines, diving off cliffs, racing through the surf, and fighting giant sharks hundreds of feet beneath the ocean surface -- all the daredevil things that cars do in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, where nobody ever drives on an actual world. In fact, the interstate highways in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, having been abandoned by humans, are teeming with deer, squirrels, birds, and other wildlife species that have fled from the forests to avoid being run over by nature-seekers in multi-ton vehicles barreling through the underbrush at 50 miles per hour." 4.857142857142857 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for, with a newspaper column, is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit." 4.857142857142857 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami." 4.833333333333333 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face." 4.833333333333333 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter." 4.833333333333333 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers." 4.8 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read, and they have far more teeth than would be necessary for a strictly seafood diet. Their mouths look like the entire $39.95 set of Ginsu knives, including the handy Arm Slicer." 4.75 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"In some versions of my original contest column I had proposed, in a lighthearted manner, that we reduce the deficit by 'selling unnecessary states such as Oklahoma to the Japanese.' This caused a number of Oklahomans to send in letters containing many correctly spelled words and making the central lighthearted point that I am a jerk. They also sent me official literature stating that Oklahoma has enormous quantities of culture in the form of ballet, Oral Roberts, etc., and that the Official State Reptile -- I am not making this up -- is something called the 'Mountain Boomer.' So I apologize to Oklahoma, and as a token of my sincerity I'm willing to sell my state, Florida, to the Japanese, assuming nobody objects to the fact that Japan would suddenly become the most heavily armed nation on Earth." 4.75 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote
"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories." 4.75 avg (0 votes) Rate this Quote

rating 1 2 2 3 3 4 4 Next >>

| privacy