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:: Jack Handey
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Jack Handey's quotes
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?"
"When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me."
"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know."
"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
"Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings."
"It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight."
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
"Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around."
"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."
"If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been."
"If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you."
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."
"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."
"I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away."
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