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View all quotes by Jack Handey
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"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
"When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me."
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it."
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition."
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."
"Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around."
"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him."
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?"
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
"If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been."
"I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away."
"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know."
"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."
"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!"
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'"
"If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you."
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