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Quote DB :: Authors :: Jack Handey

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"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again."
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."
"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling."
"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."
"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"
"Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings."
"It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight."

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