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"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact." -
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Top 5 quotes from Jack Handey
"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."
"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again."
"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!"
"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."
Top 5 quotes from Jack Handey, Time
"It is only the modern that ever becomes old-fashioned."
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
"Neither a wise man nor a brave man lies down on the tracks of history to wait for the train of the future to run over him."
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
"We have it in our power to begin the world over again."
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