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Quote DB :: Authors :: Jack Handey
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Jack Handey
Quote Rating Average (91%)

91%


Author Rating (78%)

78%



Groups: Comedians

Jack Handey

Quotes: (ranking: 620th)
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"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him." Jack Handey 4.7 avg (3 votes)
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching." Jack Handey 5.0 avg (1 votes)
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." Jack Handey 5.0 avg (19 votes)
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'" Jack Handey 4.9 avg (11 votes)
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." Jack Handey 4.4 avg (11 votes)
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak." Jack Handey 4.5 avg (2 votes)
"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again." Jack Handey 5.0 avg (5 votes)
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." Jack Handey 4.9 avg (7 votes)
"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling." Jack Handey 4.6 avg (5 votes)
"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!" Jack Handey 5.0 avg (7 votes)
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition." Jack Handey 4.1 avg (8 votes)
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it." Jack Handey 4.7 avg (7 votes)


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