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Jack Handey

Quote Rating Average (91%)

91%

Author Rating (78%)

Groups: Comedians

Jack Handey

Quotes: (ranking: 620th)
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Quote	Category	Rating
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?"	Jack Handey
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."	Jack Handey
"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him."	Jack Handey
"Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around."	Jack Handey
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."	Jack Handey
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition."	Jack Handey
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it."	Jack Handey
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."	Jack Handey
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."	Jack Handey
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."	Jack Handey
"When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me."	Jack Handey
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."	Jack Handey

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