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"I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in." -
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Top 5 quotes from Henny Youngman
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others."
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
Top 5 quotes from Family
"A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relation. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing, too."
"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton. You may as well make it dance."
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
"The one thing I want to leave my children is an honorable name."
"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right."
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