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"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
"I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it..."
"I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."
"I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
"I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'?"
"I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious."
"Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime," so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance."
"I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes."
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't part anywhere near the place."
"I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"I almost had a pyschic girlfriend, but she left me before we met."
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it."
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
"Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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