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"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'" -
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Top 5 quotes from Steven Wright
"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
"I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it..."
"I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."
"I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night."
"I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'?"
Top 5 quotes from Sleep, Steven Wright
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
"I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious."
"Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime," so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance."
"I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes."