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Quote DB :: Authors :: Jack Handey

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"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."
"Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around."
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
"It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight."
"Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings."
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"
"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know."
"When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me."
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?"
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."

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