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"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter."
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
"Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough."
"Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case."
"Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.)"
"The ACLU is always yakking about the Constitution, and most of us are getting mighty tired of it. I mean, if the Constitution is so great, how come it was amended so many times? Huh?"
"The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read, and they have far more teeth than would be necessary for a strictly seafood diet. Their mouths look like the entire $39.95 set of Ginsu knives, including the handy Arm Slicer."
"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery."
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
"The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM."
"The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number."
"The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other..."
"The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat."
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."
"The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice."
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above- average drivers."
"The only flaw in the Hinckley trial is that it left a lot of people with the impression that psychiatrists are just a bunch of bearded voodoo doctors who espouse confusing and wildly contradictory theories that have nothing to do with common sense. This is totally unfair. Many psychiatrists are clean-shaven."
"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."
"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."
"The reason gas stations sell food, of course, is that the supermarkets are busy cashing checks. The supermarkets have to cash checks because the banks are busy mailing unsolicited credit cards to everybody in the Western Hemisphere. The result is that very few people fix cars."
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