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Quote DB :: Authors :: Jack Handey

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"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."
"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition."
"If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you."
"I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away."
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?"
"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know."
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."
"It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight."
"Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around."
"If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been."

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