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"Why is it that you physicists always require so much expensive equipment? Now the Department of Mathematics requires nothing but money for paper, pencils, and erasers...and the Department of Philosophy is better still. It doesn't even ask for erasers."
"Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all others are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself."
"The only secure knowledge is that I exist."
"Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned."
"Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex."
"What do you know and how do you know it?"
"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy."
"The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next."
Henry Ward Beecher
"No sooner do we depart from sense and instinct to follow reason but we are insensibly drawn into uncouth paradoxes, difficulties, and inconsistencies, which multiply and grow upon us as we advance in speculation; till at length, having wandered through many intricate mazes, we find ourselves just where we were, or, which is worse, sit down in a forlorn scepticism."
"Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."
"To ridicule philosophy is really to philosophize."
"To teach how to live with uncertainty, yet without being paralyzed by hesitation, is perhaps the chief thing that philosophy can do."
"Philosophers, for the most part, are constitutionally timid, and dislike the unexpected. Few of them would be genuinely happy as pirates or burglars. Accordingly they invent systems which make the future calculable, at least in its main outlines."
"Nobody can have the consolations of religion or philosophy unless he has first experienced their desolations."
"Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution."
"The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it."
"When I study philosophical works I feel I am swallowing something which I don't have in my mouth."
"Man is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness from which he emerges and the infinity in which he is engulfed."
"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed."
"To be a philosopher is not merely to have subtle thoughts; but so to love wisdom as to live according to its dictates."
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Marcus Tullius Cicero
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