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:: Jack Handey
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Jack Handey's quotes
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it."
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition."
"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!"
"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling."
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again."
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'"
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."
"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him."
"I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away."
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."
"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."
"If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you."
"If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been."
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